From Deconstruction to Reframing
The word “Deconstruction” has come to mean different things to different people. Many Christians use the word as it was originally intended: to question the gap between a text and its meaning. The most correct definition of the term should be applied to Christians who deconstruct the intended meaning of the Bible and reapply it with a new understanding. It’s a useful exercise. I am glad Christians do it because it often causes them to define the Bible as a mostly useless book, and get on with the business of leaving their faith.
Ex-Christians however, have conveniently borrowed the word (as I have) to mean the process one goes through after leaving the faith. The differing definitions are causing confusion, and ex-Christians need a new word, and I suggest the term “Reframing.”
As a Christian, we constructed a painting of how the world looked to us. It had a frame, colors, and images. But it also had contradictions, ugly parts, and overall the painting did not make sense. When you become an ex-Christian, you take that painting off the wall. Some Christians may have removed parts of it, little by little, using the process of deconstruction. But at some point you have to even remove the frame and you are left with a blank wall.
That blank wall can be terrifying. This is the part of becoming an ex-Christian that is hardest of all, because in order to really abandon your beliefs you’re forced to go back to a place of total ignorance. Most people can’t do it.
Learn to Accept Ignorance
The blank wall is terrifying to most people, so this is the part where many people fall back on their Christian training to try and solve their anxiety. Some people actually return to the church because the panic is so bad. That’s what I did the first time. The analysis paralysis that resulted from a total erasure of my previous rubric was too much for me to handle.
As a Christian, you had incorrect ideas about how the world worked, but at least it was a rubric around which you could operate. Since those ideas were based on fears, fallacies, and falsehoods, deconstruction wasn’t enough. You had to throw the entire rubric out, and you were left with no rubric at all. The world became chaotic and nothing made sense. Another terrible part of this, for me, was that I felt like I knew nothing. I couldn’t answer basic questions, and I had no idea what my purpose was.
If this is where you are, fear not! You are in a state of ignorance right now, but if you follow a dimly lit path, you can reach a much better place. Until you get there, though, try to accept your ignorance. Ignorance is far better than arrogance. Ignorance is humble, and it is correct for you to feel that way. There’s nothing wrong with not knowing something. The key is to be curious.
During this time, remember that your thoughts aren’t real, they’re just habits. And many of your thoughts will be based on your old scripts. It’s time to start building new habits with how you think, and in order to do that, you have to reframe your world view. Your new frame will help you interpret the world around you. There are four sides to the frame, and this article will help you build it. Each part of your frame will informs what’s inside the frame—the picture. Once you understand the four sides of the frame, the picture can be whatever you want, and you will be on your way to replacing your old, shitty Christian way of viewing life with something new that works for you.
The Bottom Part: Your Personal Principles
We’ll start with the bottom part: your foundation. It’s made up of your personal principles.
Your personal principles are not based on any facts. They’re based purely on your feelings. The principles are not the same for everyone, and they won’t even be the same for you over time. Your principles might change as you become more mature, learn more, and become a better person.
So what do these principles look like? They are not definitive. They are directions.
The following are NOT principles (they’re goals):
Get my PhD from Harvard Law and pass the California Bar.
Prove that the world is flat.
Marry Susie H and have six kids.
Goals are fine. They might be part of the painting, but they won’t be the frame of your painting. Your principles should be the guide rails that will help you live a happy, whole life, and the one is the most important.
Principles define your approach. When I first deconverted, I did almost everything wrong, but the one thing I did right was I established what my new principles were, and tried to live by those. I had three:
Be the best father I could be.
Try to leave the world a better place.
Have as much fun as possible.
Unlike goals, you can fail at your personal principles now and then without negating them. I might have been a bad father one one day, but on another day when faced with a decision, I referred to my principles and made the decision that complemented that principle. One one day I might fuck around and waste the entire day, but on another day I might write 4,000 words in my book. One day I might have a sour attitude at work and make myself miserable, but then remember my principles and decide I’m not going to let things bug me and try to have fun.
But those were only mine. Yours might be different. They could be anything that fits the criteria.
Hurt no one, including yourself.
Be kind to people in need.
Help animals whenever you can.
Be the best dad/husband/wife/mom you can be.
By the way, your principles don’t have to be lofty:
Eat the finest cuisine you can get your mouth around.
Experience the most pleasure you can.
Be as lazy as possible.
Stay away from people as much as possible.
These principles are yours. You are no longer under the lofty obligation to win the world for Christ. There is no right or wrong in the universe, except for what you make of it. I trust that most of you will have fairly good or neutral goals. If your goal is to kill as many animals as you can, or to get married as many times as you can, well … that’s on you.
So your principles are the foundation of the frame. Soon I will discuss how to revisit your principles now and then. But don’t worry, it’s not going to be a lot of work. I’m not some corporate self-help guru that wants you to be more productive. This is designed to keep you in a happier place.
The Top Part: Critical Thinking
It is often said that faith is a virtue. But, as is often true of things often said, that statement is wrong. If you’re part of the deconstructing audience, or an ex-Christian, or someone questioning their faith, this may come as a surprise to you: faith is not a virtue. Faith is bad for you.
Before we go any further, let’s get on the same page, as the word “faith” has many definitions. You can have faith in another person. That is not always bad. Sometimes it’s good. You can have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow. Fine. We have ample evidence for that. But the actual Biblical definition of faith … to believe something without evidence … that is never good. Not ever.
Learn to Love Your Doubt
As a Christian, you were taught to squelch your doubts. You were taught to starve your disbelief, to ignore it, and even hate it. You probably obeyed, and denied yourself access to the skeptical part of your brain. Yet you somehow managed to squeeze yourself out through a crack in your armor to start questioning your faith. Good job.
America grants a misplaced value on gullibility. People literally have the word BELIEVE, in cursive script, mounted on their walls. Really? Just believe? Why is that a virtue? There are so many charlatans in America because this is a target-rich environment.
Faith is, according to the Bible, “the assurance of what we hope for and the certainty of what we do not see.” If you’re a Christian, you’ve heard that scripture countless times. You’ve heard it so much that you don’t question it. QUESTION IT. Hebrews 11:1 is telling Christians to be cocky and certain about things they don’t have any evidence for. You can’t “fake it till you make it” when what you’re trying to make is fiction. It encapsulates what is wrong with our society, and why you are having to reframe your worldview.
This is not a new problem. White America originated with wide-eyed naivete from people who came over the Atlantic in search of piles of gold. A great book called “Fantasyland” by Kurt Anderson explains the history of why Americans are so gullible.
You don’t have to be gullible anymore. Disbelief is your friend. Doubt is your friend. Skepticism is your friend. Humans would have never survived without our ability to question our environment and learn what is actually true instead of merely accepting what someone told us is true. Your ability to think critically exists to protect you, and because you stifled that part of your brain, you got yourself too deep into a religion that damaged you.
Let’s not repeat that, shall we? Nurture your ability to think critically about what people say. You may not have the first clue how to do that, so I’ll provide you some rudimentary habits that should help you build the top part of your frame.
Don’t exhaust yourself by questioning every single thing that comes your way, but try it out now and then—especially on claims that you think are remarkable. Pretty soon you’ll have a good bullshit detector that will help you get through life relatively safe, and help your painting to reflect reality.
Learn to Love Complexity
If you were a Christian for any length of time, it’s quite possible you were subtly trained to eschew complexity in favor of an extremely simple “God did it” kind of answers. You were likely conditioned to reduce things to binary choices: good or evil, God or Satan, etc.
You will be able to arrive at a truer version of the universe if you can get better at perceiving and accepting the complexity in all things. Eventually you will start to see beauty in it.
The First Question: Evidence
Does the quality of the evidence match the profundity of the claim? This one is important, and the shortened version is ECREE, which means Extraordinary Claims Require Extraordinary Evidence.
If your wife comes home and says she nearly got into a car accident, that isn’t really an extraordinary claim. But if she says she was prevented from getting into a car accident by an angel, that’s going to require some evidence. Likewise, if someone says that the Holy Spirit told them something, that’s preposterous and it should start off as being totally bogus in your mind. If the claimant is able to provide you with evidence, then you can maybe start to believe them. (Hint: if you end up believing them, you’ve probably fallen for bad evidence.)
Some Questions to Ask About Sources
Here’s some questions to ask about the source of a claim:
Do they have something to gain if I believe this?
If so, the source and their claims are going to require greater scrutiny. Is it a pastor who is trying to justify his existence and get your money? He has something to gain.Does the source have a bias?
One great resource to measure the bias of news organizations is here. Use it now and then to get a feel for things.Do other sources agree?
Someone recently said “98% of scientists who actually study the Bible become Christians.” That one was a doozy. Other sources disagree.
Is a source even cited by the person making the claim?
If not, Pffft. Do not believe it. This accounts for 99% of the online memes you see. Online memes are not the place to get your facts. You see a picture of Mark Twain with some words in quotation marks. That does not mean Mark Twain said those words. If it says “From ‘Letters to the Earth’ page 27’” then you can feel a little safer that he said it. But make sure it’s true before believing it or sharing it.
Do the facts check out?
You would be wise to understand how easily you can be manipulated. I can be manipulated! It still does happen, and when it does I just shake my head and admit it. As a writer I often spout the things I’ve been taught, but so many things I’ve been taught are false because no one questions them. Napoleon was not short. An apple did not fall on Newton’s head. Einstein did not fail as a math student.
Always be wary about what you’re being told. What does Snopes.com say? What about factcheck.org? Or Politifact.com?
Am I Biased? Do I Want to Believe it?
This is a hard one. We all have to admit our bias. Remember those generals who recently testified before congress saying “We saw aliens, we swear to Bejeezus!” Well, at first I was totally buying it, but then I thought about it for a second and realized “there is no evidence for this extraordinary claim. I’d be foolish to believe that!” So my “painting” does not include aliens. If I see some extraordinary evidence, I’ll paint a little alien up in the corner.
Am I thinking critically about this?
Flip things backwards
I once saw a short video of a plane crash site, and there were men wearing black wandering about in the wreckage. You could hear cracking sounds. The poster was claiming that men in black were shooting any of the survivors, implying this was a conspiracy.
By flipping it backwards, you ask the question “did someone plant a bomb on the plane to make it crash, then know exactly where the crash site would be, and have men stationed there to run through and shoot any survivors?”
When you think about it from every angle, some claims become laughable.“What if it were true?”
This is another good question to ask. The 911 Truthers believe that hundreds of workers entered the World Trade Center on September 10th and planted thermite explosives throughout the two buildings. Do you know how hard it is for people to keep a secret? Several of the hundreds of people involved would have squawked by now.What would the motive be to cause this?
Another example are the flat earthers, who go to great lengths to explain how “globetards” are fools for believing the big conspiracy. Someone on TikTok asked a simple question: what do scientists have to gain by saying the earth is a globe?
Is the claim sensational?
If so it’s highly suspect and requires greater evidence. Plus, who cares?
Richard Gere put a gerbil up his ass for sexual kicks? The two primary rhetorical approaches to claims like this are: 1) I doubt it, and 2) who gives a shit?
Critical thinking is like chess. You can be a beginner, you can be a grand master, or you can be someone who simply doesn’t know how to play. Do not be in that last group. Learn at least the basics of critical thinking and start applying it. You’ll be protecting yourself if you do.
The Left Part: An Internal Locus of Control
In your old frame, God or Satan made everything happen. They were in control of everything.
That was a critically incorrect way to view the universe moving forward, because it was untrue and unhelpful. It made you a passive participant in your life. God is not in control.
When you see a hungry or homeless or injured person, or if you see an injustice taking place, your old response might have been to pray for that person, but prayer accomplishes nothing, because God is not there, and he is not listening. You have to decide whether to take action or to not take action. No one is watching, there are no rewards or punishments based on your decision. Your decisions will only define who you are. Me? I’m a guy who sometimes helps and sometimes doesn’t. I’m no angel, but there are no angels, remember?
When you are about to go on an important job interview, where your old inclination might have been to pray, it’s time to abandon that practice. Just do your best. You will get the job based on how good a match you are for your employer.
Say you get pulled over by a cop for speeding. You knew you were speeding. Your old inclination might have been to pray to God for the cop to have mercy on you. That was never effective. Now you have to persuade the cop, but the decision is in the cop’s hands.
If you or your loved one gets a disease—God did not give it to you. Neither did Satan. There is no one to blame but statistical bad luck or bad genes. Your solution is in science and medicine—not prayer.
And those random things that happen that influence your day? It’s just randomness. It’s not God stacking the deck for a certain outcome. No one and nothing outside of you is controlling you.
This is an important part of your frame, because you are the artist. God is not the artist, and your lack of brushstrokes do not give Satan a chance to paint a bad picture. It’s all you.
The Artwork Itself
Before we get to the last side of the frame, let’s discuss what the artwork inside the frame actually is. Your painting can be minimalist or abstract expressionism, realism, or surrealism. In short, you decide. The only one who should care what’s inside that painting is you. You might have limitations on what you can do in life, either physically or financially, but that doesn’t change the fact that how you see the world is up to you.
The painting will be a reflection of how you interact with the world, how you perceive the world, and how you take in and process information. If you’re reframing your life after leaving Christianity, the painting will look altogether different than how it did before.
Instead of basing your life on Biblical Principles, you’re basing it on your own principles.
Instead of believing, you have healthy skepticism toward claims. You think logically, and do not believe things without ample evidence.
The locus of control for your life is now within you, instead of an imaginary outside force controlling you and everything around you.
Now, how you begin to see the world is your choice.
The Right Part: Self-Awareness
Here’s where it all comes together. By being self-aware, you will check how you’re responding to the world, and make updates and corrections.
Remember, the painting itself will change over time. You’ll get wiser, and realize things like “Hey, evolution isn’t a made up lie. It really explains how we got here. It’s complicated, and I don’t understand all of it, but it’s practically unanimous among scientists.” You may not think that way now, but if you stay on the path, you probably will.
Being self-aware is helpful. In my book I talk about how you can recognize the scripts that play in your head, and change them so they reflect how you now see the world. But when it comes to reframing your life, it’s a very healthy exercise to ask yourself the following questions now and then:
What are my set of guiding principles again? Do I still agree with those? Should I change them up?
Am I thinking critically about new ideas I’m accepting? Am I learning to accept ignorance, love complexity, and love my own disbelief?
Where do I perceive the locus of control? Am I perceiving myself as the one in charge of my actions?
Make adjustments as necessary. This is all for you, so if you forget, don’t beat yourself up. But if you start getting uptight, and feeling anxious about the world, take a moment to self reflect. This will serve as a continuous improvement loop.
Hope this helps!